Saturday My Mom, Olivia and I went to Boyne City to have a BBQ and watch the Fireworks.

We had some trouble with the Charcoal because it was old (from last September). There were a ton of old dry pine cones in the park, and Olivia was gathering them to put in the fire. I told her to just get a bunch and leave them by the grill so I could put them in. She did get quite a few, and they burned rather well.

Olivia was really excited about toasting marshmallows, and I told her we needed more pine cones so the fire wouldn't go out. So she goes off to pick up more pine cones while my Mom and I are eating our dinner, and instead of doing what she was supposed to be doing, she goes and picks up a "rock". Well... that rock turned out to be a piece of charcoal that fell out of the grill. Olivia burned her thumb and index finger on the hot charcoal! We put ice on it right away and my Mom also had some burn cream in her purse that we put on it.

We were going to take her home, but she really wanted to see the Fireworks really bad. We ended up not having enough ice to keep her finger cold, so my Mom got her another cup from someone that had a cooler of ice, and she also got a burn dressing and more gel.

Olivia was OK as long as she kept her fingers on ice, and she LOVED the fireworks.

Things have been going way downhill for me the past several years. I guess I haven't had a really good year since I was a kid. It just seems like every year is worse than the last. I can't exactly say when it started, but I think things got measurably worse when my Mom left me and married that asshole. I thought things were going to be better when he got deported, but I was wrong. WRONG. Life has only gotten much worse from there.

I had good credit when my Mom's husband got deported. She lost her job when her employer found out she was married to an illegal alien. At the time, my sister was only 7 months old. I decided to help my Mom by giving her some money from my credit cards. Eventually, due to circumstances beyond my control, all my cards got maxed out. I figured things would be OK. I thought her husband was going to come back here legally, get a good job any pay me back. Well, did I REALLY think that was going to happen, or was I just in denial. My Mom said he was coming back, but somewhere in my head I knew it wasn't true.

Well, I thought it would still be OK, because I thought I'd just get a job and pay my credit cards off myself. So I got a job at Wal-Mart. It only lasted one day because my Social Anxiety got the best of me, just like it always has. I quit school in 5th grade because of it. I should've known I wasn't going to be able to handle it.

I found a job I could handle, babysitting my sister, so I thought "Cool, the state pays me to sit home and take care of my sister, I'l just pay the bills that way". But then my Mom got injured at work and lost her job, and I couldn't pay my bills anymore because of course I don't get paid to watch Olivia if my Mom isn't working.

My Mom has been off work since September with a back injury of some sort, (the doctors still don't know exactly what it is) and my Mom's job hasn't paid her a cent of worker's compensation, so we live on $400 a month paid to us by the state of Michigan.

In the end, I have no one to blame but myself. I just shouldn't have had a credit card to begin with. I can't get a job, because I can't keep it. The anxiety attacks make me so ill, I can't function.

So, you're wondering where all this is going? Well, someone came to my door to serve court papers today. One of my credit cards wants their money, and I guess they're taking me to court over it. Well, I didn't get the papers because I didn't answer the door. No one can sign for them but me of course, and I was sleeping. Do they actually think I'm going to answer the door? haha I have SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. I NEVER answer the door. I usually let my German Shepherd handle it.

So, my Mom is going to help me get a lawyer, and I guess I'm just going to have to go bankrupt. It Chrysler and GM can do it, so can I. I don't have a cent to my name anyway.

I feel like such a loser. I never thought I'd be bankrupt at 24. I fucking HATE my Social Phobia. I just don't know what else I can do. I have tried many different things, but I've never been able to overcome it. I have a moderate-severe case of Generalized Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia. It makes my life so difficult at times. I just want to scream, but I can't because it would draw attention to myself. I just can't describe how it feels to be in my shoes. You can't possibly understand unless you have my phobia.

If you want to know more about it, just Google it.